Tuesday, 02 June 2009

• brand new

  so after my LDR break up, i started really dating a guy ive known for about 4 years.  we tried dating in the beginning but he produces music, and was always always busy and gone away on business trips...and i was still in college and trying to graduate. but, with perfect timing, he basically swept me off my feet after feeling crazy after the break up.

  for the past 5 months, he's put me on a pedestal. giving me everything and anything i wanted....wanting to be more than what we've ever been before. letting me into his heart and his head with everything that he goes through in life....and ive enjoyed being a listening ear, and slowly...expanding my heart to make a place for him. ive always cared for him, but its just been taken to another place this time.

  ive always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. but for some reason with him....i havent....i cant.  i wont tell him how much i care about him like he tells me everyday. i wont tell him that i wouldnt be able to function if something happened to him like he's told me before. i always want to...just never know how to bring the words to life. and make them paint the beautiful picture that i want it to. i feel like it would never come out right, or compare to the beautiful words that he speaks to me everyday.

  he makes me feel....like the most beautiful girl in the world.  he'll tell me i look pretty even after a long grueling day at work and i feel like crap. he'll look me intently in my eyes and tell me how great i am. i feel so much like myself when im with him. i laugh the hardest when im with him. seeing him is like the highlight of my day. i just have a horrible time telling him how i really feel. and opening up myself to him. i kno that once i do, it'll be game over.

  i used to joke with him that we would get married next year. that i would snag him and hold onto him forever. after a couple of times of joking like that, i think he may have taken me seriously. im only 21. i can see myself marrying him...but it def wouldnt be next year.

  and im scared to not be single anymore. like im going to miss something. miss hanging out with my single friends. miss going on dates and meeting new people and getting to know them. and not having to tell someone where im going or who im going out with or how long im going to be out and when will i be back. im an independent type of woman. i cant stand for someone to keep tabs on me.thats why i havent signed up for twitter or update my status on facebook or  myspace.

  but last week, we had a crazy falling out/conversation. he text me and told me he had an "issue".  when i asked him what his "issue" was he texts me back saying "we're not making love...we've only had 1 first kiss...." .....and didnt text anything else. we've never slept together in four years. he usually kisses me on my cheek or forehead when we're together. and i LIKE it that way. it means so much more to me when i kno that a man does not have to experience what ive got in between my legs in order to have deep and true feelings for me.

  so i flip out. im PISSED. i'd never heard him talk like that. so cuss him out until he tells me that he hadnt finished what his "issue" was, but just wanted to see what i would say after that text message.  THAT kind of pissed me off too bc he shouldnt feel the need to do that to me. that wasnt cute, and i didnt like it.

  i let him continue what his issue was.  he begins again. "we're not making love....we've only had 1 first kiss....we're not doing any of that, and yet...i feel myself falling in love with you...."...............................and all i could say to him was "im sorry for jumping down your throat."................to say the least, he wasnt too happy...and that was the decline to his already sucky day.

  i wanted to tell him that i felt the same way. no. ive always felt that deeply for him. i dont know what i did in my previous life to even deserve a man like him. no words could express how crazy i felt after reading that text. but he kind of flipped out on me like he told me that he WAS in love with me with no doubt about it. and i felt crazy for not telling him everything. but telling him that i loved him through a text message was not how i imagined telling him for the first time.

  we talked later on that night on the phone and he was still salty about my reaction.  he called me "the nigga" or the dude in this situation. he said i reacted with no feeling. like i was empty. that hurt. ive never been called the dude in the relationship. ive always been the one crying and begging for a man to stay with me. to love me. to need me. it hurt so much that i started crying on the phone. and i still couldnt get everything out.  i tried. it just felt weird to be on the other side of the rope. he felt guilty for making me cry, but i dont think it really changed much about how he felt about it.  we talked very little about it after that.

  then two nights ago..he asks me to listen to a song by drake called brand new. its a really really nice song. he told me that the song really says everything that he's feeling.  and even tho the song is really pretty...drake is talking about how he has to hide everything he feels, and how he puts his girl on a pedestal, and questions her if anything he's doing brand new to her. like she's used to whatever he throws at her. and he cant get through to her true feelings about him. i think ive listened to this song a million times in the past week.

  im scared to open up to him.  i never thought it would happen to me. ive heard stories about ppl putting up walls and not letting the person that loves them the most into their heart. ive always been so open....about everything...my feelings....love.......i dont understand why its different with him. i would be truly hurt to lose him. but im scared to really let him in, and stop making everything a joke and being a goofball and letting his feelings for me roll off my shoulders.

  i duno what to do.

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