yesterday's arguement HAD to top the list for worst arguement for us.

i went on his page yesterday to find that he moved me to the last spot on his top, some girl posted a comment on his wall saying "you need to change your status back to taken now!" and i FLIPPED. wtf was she talking about?? wtf was he thinking putting me in the last spot??

so i sent him two angry text messages. which lit his fire ablaze and ultimately set the scene for a horrific arguement.  all kinds of skeletons came out his closet. things that made me realize affected him deeper than i ever thought. he told me that i couldnt even comment about his top bc he wasnt the first guy on my list, nor was he in the first spot like he used to have me in.  and he said that majority of my comments were ten times worse than what that girl put on his wall.  he felt like he knew that they were playing and they were friends and he shouldnt have to filter out his comments since i didnt seem to feel the need to.  [[which i DID filter mine bc i didnt want him getting mad over the way that some of me and my guy friends play. but after that comment, i went back and approved ALL comments that hadnt been approved bc of my filtering them, just out of spite  hahaha]]

he's still hurting over the fact that i hadnt told my other best friend about us. which is why he isn't in the first spot or even near it on my top, and why i cant change my status to in a relationship.  i was petrified to think about losing my friendship with someone i cared so much about.

i didnt want to hurt her in the beginning when i first fell for him[[read my very first blog for a better understanding of this triangle]] . it has had a major effect on my relationship with him. i had never heard him sound so angry about it before yesterday.

im realizing that i have to do something about this myspace deal. it will be the end of my relationship if i dont.

so, first thing i did, was tell my other best friend about us.  she took it a lot better than i thought she would.  she told me that she wouldnt want to lose a good friend like me over sum dude.  and ive never been so grateful or so effin relieved in my life. i feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  i never thought it would go so smoothly and i wish that i hadve said something a lot sooner.  i was glad to have come to her and she appreciated it too.

next thing im gona do, is change my myspace.  he deserves to be on top of my top, so that's where im gona put him.  then change my status to "in a relationship".

one major thing i plan on doing is leaving his myspace page ALONE.  it makes me sick to my stomach when i cant complain about things that bother me, so if i dont see it, it wont bother me.  if i really ever feel the need to check up on it, then i will. but just to do it - that HAS to stop.

and now that i can talk to him on the phone in front of my best friends now....maybe things on my end will be a WHOLE lot better. maybe this will be the change we need to get back on track. and maybe i will start to feel more like myself again.   i was starting to feel like i didnt know who i was anymore.  now that i dont have to live a dbl life, maybe i can regain that conciousness again.

so ive been horribly sick these past two days but he's been going through turmoil with school fam and his apt situation. monday i was of no good bc i was hopped up off of nyquil and feeling like shit when he needed me most. his phone was getting cut off at midnight bc he couldnt pay it bc he's breaking his lease with his four roommates which is costing them almost $2000 to do, his tuition is due next week, he's trying to bring his grades up, his dad is being an asswhole [[for whatever new reason he could find to be one]]....and me being sick and really needed me to console him most.

of course i cant be there physically but now i wasnt going to be able to be there for him emotionally either, since his phone was getting turned off.  it didnt actually turn off until maybe 230 am but he wanted to stay on the phone with me until it ultimately did.  he got me when he said "what am i going to do without you and my grandma?? yall are my support system, and if i cant talk to yall, how am i going to get through this?? it could be a week, two weeks, a month before i can ge things  back on track."  after he said that, my heart sank.

it was almost like i couldnt console him. i told him that it was ok that he couldnt talk to me everyday. we would make it. i would email him everyday and all he would have to do is email me back when he could.  but it was like.....he couldnt hear me.  he thought about breaking up until he got himself together. and i had to constantly fight him and tell him that we dont have to break up or take a break. i wouldnt be bothered with any1 else bc i wouldnt want him to do the same. i almost felt like this foo was using this as an excuse to see another woman for a lil while.  he jus kept saying "you know i cant go a day without talking to you." okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.......what do you want me to do?? i told him i would send him something nice everyday to keep his hopes afloat, but it was almost like he didnt want it.

yesterday wasnt very hard to not be able to text him or call him. he sent me text messages from yahoo im so i still got to talk to him like three times yesterday. and he fell asleep on the computer last night lol.  but the conversation was still the same. he was down in the dumps and i couldnt pull him out. nothing i said could console him and ultimately it made us argue. i felt like i was in between a rock and a hard place.

thankfully, his dad put some money into his account and he paid his phone bill. and he was having a much better day while trying not to think of everything that is going on in his life. but it seemed like now that he's got his phone, he can see that things are coming together, and he was basically back to normal.

he's moving out of his apt on dec. 28. and now i'm afraid i wont be able to visit him for new years.  i feel like he's setting up a problem early in the month so that i wont b able to come down there.  there's always something standing in the way.

what am i to do??

it was like magic lust or something. ive been so angry and upset with him this entire weekend for what we've been arguing about since friday. and something told me to check his myspace. aside from a few things that i didnt like/appreciate, there was something that caught my eye especially. he put up 3 new pics. but the only one that mattered was a pic he took with him pulling his shirt up, exposing the fresh new tatoo on his six pack. and like magic [[magic lust]] i was like "wow. that belongs to me. how sexy is he?? very."

but instantly became overcome with grief over the fact that we'd not been happy with each other all weekend. and still not to this very moment. i will be glad when things blow over and he becomes my lovable boyfriend again instead of this sexy lil troll who bares the title of my boyfriend.

we have talked tonight. and he didnt yell, scream, curse, dismiss me or anything. and i was beyond surprised. i did turn on the water works tho. but it blew up in my face a lil. he felt like i was always twisting things around when i jus happened to be at fault. and i would look for things to nit pick at him just so the shoe could be on the other foot. and now that i think about it, i did do that a few times to turn the tables. but it always turned right back on me. i guess i cant get out of this one the way that i usually do.

i hate to hear him upset with me. it broke my heart to listen to how much it hurt him to see that conversation btwn my ex and i. but im almost like, dang, ive been scolded, i apologized, and he's still holding this over my head. i dont expect to snap my fingers and he's gon be all happy, but dang, i feel like the worst gf in the world right now.

i dont get in trouble often, but dang, when i do, i really get it.  hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.