cherish_me08's Datingish

brand new

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:53:26 GMT

so after my LDR break up, i started really dating a guy ive known for about 4 years. we tried dating in the beginning but he produces music, and was always always busy and gone away on business trips...and i was still in college and trying to graduate. but, with perfect timing, he basically swept me off my feet after feeling crazy after the break up.

for the past 5 months, he's put me on a pedestal. giving me everything and anything i wanted....wanting to be more than what we've ever been before. letting me into his heart and his head with everything that he goes through in life....and ive enjoyed being a listening ear, and slowly...expanding my heart to make a place for him. ive always cared for him, but its just been taken to another place this time.

ive always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. but for some reason with him....i havent....i cant. i wont tell him how much i care about him like he tells me everyday. i wont tell him that i wouldnt be able to function if something happened to him like he's told me before. i always want to...just never know how to bring the words to life. and make them paint the beautiful picture that i want it to. i feel like it would never come out right, or compare to the beautiful words that he speaks to me everyday.

he makes me feel....like the most beautiful girl in the world. he'll tell me i look pretty even after a long grueling day at work and i feel like crap. he'll look me intently in my eyes and tell me how great i am. i feel so much like myself when im with him. i laugh the hardest when im with him. seeing him is like the highlight of my day. i just have a horrible time telling him how i really feel. and opening up myself to him. i kno that once i do, it'll be game over.

i used to joke with him that we would get married next year. that i would snag him and hold onto him forever. after a couple of times of joking like that, i think he may have taken me seriously. im only 21. i can see myself marrying him...but it def wouldnt be next year.

and im scared to not be single anymore. like im going to miss something. miss hanging out with my single friends. miss going on dates and meeting new people and getting to know them. and not having to tell someone where im going or who im going out with or how long im going to be out and when will i be back. im an independent type of woman. i cant stand for someone to keep tabs on me.thats why i havent signed up for twitter or update my status on facebook or myspace.

but last week, we had a crazy falling out/conversation. he text me and told me he had an "issue". when i asked him what his "issue" was he texts me back saying "we're not making love...we've only had 1 first kiss...." .....and didnt text anything else. we've never slept together in four years. he usually kisses me on my cheek or forehead when we're together. and i LIKE it that way. it means so much more to me when i kno that a man does not have to experience what ive got in between my legs in order to have deep and true feelings for me.

so i flip out. im PISSED. i'd never heard him talk like that. so cuss him out until he tells me that he hadnt finished what his "issue" was, but just wanted to see what i would say after that text message. THAT kind of pissed me off too bc he shouldnt feel the need to do that to me. that wasnt cute, and i didnt like it.

i let him continue what his issue was. he begins again. "we're not making love....we've only had 1 first kiss....we're not doing any of that, and yet...i feel myself falling in love with you...."...............................and all i could say to him was "im sorry for jumping down your throat."................to say the least, he wasnt too happy...and that was the decline to his already sucky day.

i wanted to tell him that i felt the same way. no. ive always felt that deeply for him. i dont know what i did in my previous life to even deserve a man like him. no words could express how crazy i felt after reading that text. but he kind of flipped out on me like he told me that he WAS in love with me with no doubt about it. and i felt crazy for not telling him everything. but telling him that i loved him through a text message was not how i imagined telling him for the first time.

we talked later on that night on the phone and he was still salty about my reaction. he called me "the nigga" or the dude in this situation. he said i reacted with no feeling. like i was empty. that hurt. ive never been called the dude in the relationship. ive always been the one crying and begging for a man to stay with me. to love me. to need me. it hurt so much that i started crying on the phone. and i still couldnt get everything out. i tried. it just felt weird to be on the other side of the rope. he felt guilty for making me cry, but i dont think it really changed much about how he felt about it. we talked very little about it after that.

then two nights ago..he asks me to listen to a song by drake called brand new. its a really really nice song. he told me that the song really says everything that he's feeling. and even tho the song is really pretty...drake is talking about how he has to hide everything he feels, and how he puts his girl on a pedestal, and questions her if anything he's doing brand new to her. like she's used to whatever he throws at her. and he cant get through to her true feelings about him. i think ive listened to this song a million times in the past week.

im scared to open up to him. i never thought it would happen to me. ive heard stories about ppl putting up walls and not letting the person that loves them the most into their heart. ive always been so open....about everything...my feelings....love.......i dont understand why its different with him. i would be truly hurt to lose him. but im scared to really let him in, and stop making everything a joke and being a goofball and letting his feelings for me roll off my shoulders.

i duno what to do.

he called....

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 01:39:40 GMT

so ive been thinking about this like crazy...and cant seem to let it go...and hopefully this will help.

last friday, while i was in a dressing room, trying on clothes, i miss his call AND he leaves a voicemail. just seeing his number on my caller id shot my nerves to pieces. my heart is racing as i dial my voicemail to hear what he left.

"ive been thinking about calling you for a couple of days now. jus wanted to say whats up and see how you were doing."

DELETE.

but i called him back. try to be casual. take a deep breath as he answers. im nice...casual...trying to be normal. ask how's school going...what he was up to...and then he says he's going to call me back bc he's getting ready to lay down for a nap. wha??? what was the point in calling if you had intentions of taking a nap?

but thats besides the point. never-the-less, he doesnt call back. and im messed up for the rest of the weekend. what does it mean that he's been thinking of calling me for a few days? was he nervous? does he miss me???

then on top of that, when i went out with my remaining best friend from this scandal (the weekend before last), she tells me that my now xbff told her that she thinks she's ready to work out our friendship.

...............

that pissed me off. i understand what i did was immoral. fine. but i feel like we had been friends for some years and ive done a lot for her over the years...and i kno that might not make up for what i did, but it should count for something. and i kno that people handle things differently than others, but she decided to hold a grudge against me for some months. clearly our friendship wasnt all that we cracked it up to be, bc if it was....she couldve just answered my phone call that night, and we couldve squashed it then. and our friendship could have either survived it or failed. but its like....all of a sudden, now she regulates things? yes, i hurt her, but i was hurt by the things she said and how she acted post incident. i just dont feel like thats fair. now i have to kiss her ass and beg her to be friends with me again bc i kno summer is coming up and we always spent so much time together during the summer???

nah.

im good. my life hasnt changed drastically without her being in it. so i guess she didnt have as much of an effect as i thought she did. it was really really hard in the beginning...but now?? it just doesnt matter.

and i reminded my best friend of this. and that i had enough friends. i dont need to add her back into my life to feel complete. i just....flipped out when i heard this nonsense. i don even have this chick in my phonebook anymore. none-the-less as a friend on ANY website. so i dont see her updates, nor do i think about her. so......need her? wanna work on a friendship?? NO thank you. life's just FINE w/o u.

and im missing him. like im crazy. every since that phone call...its got me thinking of sooo much. like who is the one loving him now? who's the one he calls baby everyday now? does he miss us like i miss us sometimes?

i think im just lonely right now. im tired of being mistreated in relationships. im tired of men trying to just get to my body before they get to my mind and get to know me.

i just want a serious boyfriend right now. a cute one lol. (talk about beggars being choosey). i want to be in love and have someone who needs me just as much as i need them (emotionally). i deserve someone who will treat me right. i dont want drama anymore. i dont want to settle for less. someone who will give his best bc im giving my best. not someone who wants my goodies bc he took me to the movies! wtf. just dont want it anymore.

there's a guy who's in my training program...who i kind of....have a crush on, actually. i kno you're not supposed to date someone that you work with, but in may, he'll be going back to working in a nearby city (their corporation trains at our worksite but go back to work at their office after qualifying). he's not all that cute, but he's got the most gorgeous eyes and eyelashes (lol). he's a little older, he's 26 (im 21)...but i dont think thats too bad. and he's a nice size...kind of built....not too big or skinny at all. and he makes me laugh...and makes mention sometimes about how he thinks im beautiful...or that i have a nice smile....u kno like the littlest things that are soooooooooooo important and lovely lol.

ive been waiting for this guy to make a move further than just flirting with me at work. im waiting for him to slyly ask for my number under the guise of needing it for something pertaining to work.

idk....sometimes i think he really likes me...and sometimes i dont. he keeps asking me if i have a boyfriend. and asks me questions about my ex...and i dont mind asking...and it doesnt kill me to have this conversation...but i just wish that he would.....do something else! lol

he seems really sweet and romantic...and he keeps talking about how he wants to get married. and doesnt really believe in divorce (under certain situations he would, which i agree and feel the same way about marriage)

yep...u guessed it.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 02:19:43 GMT

we broke up.

and now that im no longer screaming like im crazy, i can talk about it. it totally went plummeting face first down a hill after i told her [[partially]] everything. im two sided about it. i want to believe that he's the greatest thing to ever happen to me and he only diffused our relationship because he saw what it did to our friendship and it totally killed him to let me go because he loves(-ed??) me sooo much. then again, that may not have been his intentions when he all of a sudden stopped the phone calls everyday like normal or doing anything like normal. and he was really seeing someone else and just waiting for a way out.

either way. we go days without talking. we did not formally break up. we never had that conversation. but i am not stupid. i was emailing him. calling. texting. crying. screaming. cursing...........................................going through it as if he called me the worst girlfriend on the planet and ended things by cheating on me.

it gets easier each day that goes by. it KILLED me slowly in the beginning and i was totally going thru it. couldnt sleep at night....couldnt stop thinking of him...feeling crazy. he wouldnt answer any of my questions. he was acting pretty nonchalant. the best way to hurt me.

its been about a month and a half. maybe two months. im not sure. but next week will be the second month-aversary that we will not celebrate as being boyfriend/girlfriend.

i try to keep my mind away from him. work, studying, the gym....anything. and im starting to date again, and talk to old guy friends again...and actually physically being around the guy im dating reminds me of how much i was missing by him being so far away.

i dont think i will ever do another long distance relationship like that ever again.

SO. lets clear things up.

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:30:34 GMT

i received a very.....hrm......unpleasant comment on my last blog. which happened to totally piss me off, and made me realize that i need to clear some things up about my situation.

i did NOT steal him away from her. i did NOT make it a point to make him mine. he wanted to be with me for a long time. i was always myself around him. i did not seduce him in any way.

YES i AM grown in the point that i did not call and stoop to her level of childishness when she basically put my business on myspace - the root of all evil lol - or how she's telling anyone who will listen about what a horrible person i am.

i truly dont want to talk to her. she needs to cool down. idk how long that will take bc we've never ever faught before about anything. but i think the most that i will do for right now is send her another text message and try to explain a few things and apologize again and tell her to just cool off for a min and maybe one day we can sit down and talk about it.

she is my second best friend. not my number one. my number one was the one who was on the phone with me at 3 am after this shit hit the fan. she was the one listening to me cry and get mad and worry that night. she has always been there for me and she was the one who really told me about myself - which i could still appreciate, even tho ive already beaten myself to a pulp.

on top of everything i caught hell from him of all people. he feels guilty knowing that he helped to tear apart our friendship, and is now trying to fix it - however that may be. i couldnt help but scream at him over how much anguish i was going through and pain and being hurt...and he just couldnt console me man.

i did not choose either of them over the other. i dont want to go with out either of them. i feel the same about both. i love them dearly. but if they wanna walk, they can walk. i dont want to lose them. i need him bc he's such a major part of my everyday life. i need her bc she's a good friend when she is active in my life - to which she really isnt right now [[and the past 4 months]] bc of her boyfriend and work and whatever else she's got going on in her life. but i jus feel like if they feel some kind of way about it, i wont beg to keep anybody. it wont kill me and i will get over it.

if you're gona leave a comment, please please be mindful of how you say things. this is still a sensitive time for me. and while i appreciate your comments, i appreciate it even more if you watch what you say and how you put it. -thanks.

her true feelings came out

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:09:24 GMT

so apparently me and my friend weren't as cool as i thought. i called our other best friend to tell her about him and i and i guess she couldnt wait to call her to see how she was taking it. and apparently she didnt figure out exactly how she felt about it until they got on the phone.

everything came out.

she thinks i stole him from her. she thinks i seduced him. she thinks that i have no morals. she thinks that im a bad person. she doesnt trust me anymore. im messed up for what i did............................the list goes on and on and on.

but i kind of.............dont care >.< i jus feel like.....ive made a mistake. but the damage is done, the only thing i can do is take it day by day and take things as they come. ive made my bed hard, and im gona lie in it. ive cried my tears last night, and i don plan on crying anymore. whats the point?? its not going to turn back time and let me do things over again. i couldve continued to keep this from them and let it fester. and just took it to my grave. but i let her in. i knew things wouldnt be peachy but damn.

she has a boyfriend. theyve been together for a year now. it doesnt make light of the situation but i feel like she contradicted herself with everything she said to my best friend last night. after she told me all this about im too good of a friend to lose over some dude she cant stand anyways. where did that statement go?? my best friend called and told me everything she said. i mean it hurt, but i know that i hurt her and that she was upset.

but i just feel like its whatever. if she doesnt want to be friends over that, i will be upset, but i will get over it. if he and i broke up tomorrow, yes i would be upset for a while, but trust me, i would get over it. i am a grown woman. i may have done something childish, but i believe in the fact that you can not choose who you develop feelings for or fallin love with. you cant predict who God will bring into your life and what for. you just have to take things day by day and deal with the cards as they are dealt.

and that is what i plan on doing.

myspace - root of all evil for relationships

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 01:51:52 GMT

yesterday's arguement HAD to top the list for worst arguement for us.

i went on his page yesterday to find that he moved me to the last spot on his top, some girl posted a comment on his wall saying "you need to change your status back to taken now!" and i FLIPPED. wtf was she talking about?? wtf was he thinking putting me in the last spot??

so i sent him two angry text messages. which lit his fire ablaze and ultimately set the scene for a horrific arguement. all kinds of skeletons came out his closet. things that made me realize affected him deeper than i ever thought. he told me that i couldnt even comment about his top bc he wasnt the first guy on my list, nor was he in the first spot like he used to have me in. and he said that majority of my comments were ten times worse than what that girl put on his wall. he felt like he knew that they were playing and they were friends and he shouldnt have to filter out his comments since i didnt seem to feel the need to. [[which i DID filter mine bc i didnt want him getting mad over the way that some of me and my guy friends play. but after that comment, i went back and approved ALL comments that hadnt been approved bc of my filtering them, just out of spite hahaha]]

he's still hurting over the fact that i hadnt told my other best friend about us. which is why he isn't in the first spot or even near it on my top, and why i cant change my status to in a relationship. i was petrified to think about losing my friendship with someone i cared so much about.

i didnt want to hurt her in the beginning when i first fell for him[[read my very first blog for a better understanding of this triangle]] . it has had a major effect on my relationship with him. i had never heard him sound so angry about it before yesterday.

im realizing that i have to do something about this myspace deal. it will be the end of my relationship if i dont.

so, first thing i did, was tell my other best friend about us. she took it a lot better than i thought she would. she told me that she wouldnt want to lose a good friend like me over sum dude. and ive never been so grateful or so effin relieved in my life. i feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i never thought it would go so smoothly and i wish that i hadve said something a lot sooner. i was glad to have come to her and she appreciated it too.

next thing im gona do, is change my myspace. he deserves to be on top of my top, so that's where im gona put him. then change my status to "in a relationship".

one major thing i plan on doing is leaving his myspace page ALONE. it makes me sick to my stomach when i cant complain about things that bother me, so if i dont see it, it wont bother me. if i really ever feel the need to check up on it, then i will. but just to do it - that HAS to stop.

and now that i can talk to him on the phone in front of my best friends now....maybe things on my end will be a WHOLE lot better. maybe this will be the change we need to get back on track. and maybe i will start to feel more like myself again. i was starting to feel like i didnt know who i was anymore. now that i dont have to live a dbl life, maybe i can regain that conciousness again.

my ldr is feeling.....worthless.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 03:22:45 GMT

my patience jar is running empty on supply....and ive found myself scraping the bottom for the last little bit.

ive been thinking about writing this post all day long. i swear i just spent 30 minutes brushing my teeth and staring into space - thinking of what i wanted to say.

we went to bed mad last night - again - over something very small, but in my mind, worthy to voice my opinion about. we were on the phone, and he was constantly texting in my ear. im still sick, and feeling very needy, hadnt talked to him all that much, and now i was having to share my "qt" with whomever he felt the need to be texting. so...a lil pissed off, i kindly asked him to just call me back whenever he finished text messaging. and he wouldnt. and kept doing it. he didnt think there was any need to do so. so.....the issue formed into this huge ugly monster and tempers were thrown, and i ended up hanging up on him about 3 times. but needless to say, he doesnt give up that easily, especially during a heated arguement, and continually called back. it didnt end very pretty.

i havent talked to him all day. how can the silence be soo loud?? we're both being stubborn. i haven't even dared texting him today, and all he sent me today was a fwd text message. i guess to let me know he was still alive. thanks.

couldnt help but think about how petty the arguement was while at work today. but i always feel like im the one to salvage what we have left and offer apologies. text some long drawn out "im sorry" and tell him that i love him. **shrugs shoulders** i guess im tired.

but as i was thinking...i couldnt help but stumble upon how............worthless.......it feels to be with him. i came to the realization that me going to see him for new years is some fantasy that i can just throw out the window bc its not going to happen. idk what i was thinking when i actually thought i would actually see him this time. then i thought.......whats the point of an ldr....if there is no....highlight.....no.....motive.....no crowning achievement that i will eventually attain?? when the hell am i going to see this kid?? we've been together almost 7 months and i've never looked into his eyes.....................................................

i cant get angry at him about it - he'll jus become angrier than me and lash out about it. i cant put a guilt trip on him - he'll only make empty promises. and i just cant ignore it - its killing me.

how do i even know that love is really......alive....in his eyes? how can i love him in such isolation?? sometimes passion cant be spoken...but has to be felt...through.....touch.......through......feeling that he's alive....and that he's.....mine........

sometimes i feel like love is all we need. ppsssh...i dont have to see him to know he's real. like i found heaven on earth.......he's my hunger.....my thirst.......he'll be my last....my first..........but on days like this......i jus.....cant drown out the voice that says "i need to be under him."

i never thought in a million years i would have a relationship like this one. every previous relationship ive been in....whenever we would get into an arguement or a dissagreement....that would be it. the relationship would be over, and i'd move on to the next guy. but in this one.....im living in that relationship that ive always heard about. the one where there are problems and then you make up, forgive, and move on - all without completely breaking up with that same person.

and i've never been so fearless to end the relationship either.....never been so ......eager....to do so. maybe it has A LOT to do with the fact that its a secret behined the backs of all my close friends, my two best friends.....maybe its bc its hard to believe a man like him could love a woman like me.......

is this the man ive been praying for since i was a little girl?? he looks like him. thats for sure. but, damn....he's crazy......thats for damn sure.

idk where to go...what to do.....its feeling like the end. any suggestions????

un-consolable....

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 03:38:45 GMT

so ive been horribly sick these past two days but he's been going through turmoil with school fam and his apt situation. monday i was of no good bc i was hopped up off of nyquil and feeling like shit when he needed me most. his phone was getting cut off at midnight bc he couldnt pay it bc he's breaking his lease with his four roommates which is costing them almost $2000 to do, his tuition is due next week, he's trying to bring his grades up, his dad is being an asswhole [[for whatever new reason he could find to be one]]....and me being sick and really needed me to console him most.

of course i cant be there physically but now i wasnt going to be able to be there for him emotionally either, since his phone was getting turned off. it didnt actually turn off until maybe 230 am but he wanted to stay on the phone with me until it ultimately did. he got me when he said "what am i going to do without you and my grandma?? yall are my support system, and if i cant talk to yall, how am i going to get through this?? it could be a week, two weeks, a month before i can ge things back on track." after he said that, my heart sank.

it was almost like i couldnt console him. i told him that it was ok that he couldnt talk to me everyday. we would make it. i would email him everyday and all he would have to do is email me back when he could. but it was like.....he couldnt hear me. he thought about breaking up until he got himself together. and i had to constantly fight him and tell him that we dont have to break up or take a break. i wouldnt be bothered with any1 else bc i wouldnt want him to do the same. i almost felt like this foo was using this as an excuse to see another woman for a lil while. he jus kept saying "you know i cant go a day without talking to you." okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.......what do you want me to do?? i told him i would send him something nice everyday to keep his hopes afloat, but it was almost like he didnt want it.

yesterday wasnt very hard to not be able to text him or call him. he sent me text messages from yahoo im so i still got to talk to him like three times yesterday. and he fell asleep on the computer last night lol. but the conversation was still the same. he was down in the dumps and i couldnt pull him out. nothing i said could console him and ultimately it made us argue. i felt like i was in between a rock and a hard place.

thankfully, his dad put some money into his account and he paid his phone bill. and he was having a much better day while trying not to think of everything that is going on in his life. but it seemed like now that he's got his phone, he can see that things are coming together, and he was basically back to normal.

he's moving out of his apt on dec. 28. and now i'm afraid i wont be able to visit him for new years. i feel like he's setting up a problem early in the month so that i wont b able to come down there. there's always something standing in the way.

what am i to do??

he told my aunt he loves me...

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 04:59:02 GMT

on thanksgiving my best friend stopped by my grandparents house. and for thanksgiving my favorite aunt came down and brought my little cousins. she's very silly and a "cool" type of aunt who's always in my business when she comes down. first thing she asks me everytime is "who's the newest boyfriend??" and this time, she asked right in front of my best friend [[who doesnt know that im currently the girlfriend of our other best friend's ex boyfriend, ugh.]]

and i couldnt just come out and tell her everything, so i jus shrugged my shoulders at her and walked away lol. but she knows me a whole lot better than that. so she tried to grill my best friend to see if she knew, but all she said was "idk, but i think i've got an idea." which scares me a lil bc idk who she's got an idea of.

then the worst thing that couldve happened while sitting in the sun room with my lil cousin on my lap and my best friend and my aunt watching tv......he calls. sheesh!!! i talk to him for a few mins, and let the baby talk to him on the phone, but went into the bathroom to tell him i would call him back bc i knew my aunt would figure out that i was on the phone with him and would make a big scene and a big deal and want to speak to him and know his name. so i told him i would call him when i got home. he was pissed. he felt like i wasnt going to talk to him while around my family, and felt that it was "foul". ugh. wtf was i supposed to do???

soo....to make ammends....last night while talking to my aunt, i decided to tell her the truth. and tell her everything. she really couldnt believe all the drama. i showed her pics of him and she was surprised by how cute he was...n i showed him pics of my other best friend too, and of course she's gona be a lil bias bc im her niece, but of course she thinks im cuter.

and i told her that i wanted her to be able to talk to him when he called, but there was no way that i could let my best friend hear the conversation. if she wasnt there, then the situation would've been a whole lot different. so i decided to call him right then.

lol.....he was so nervous. he really didnt want to talk to her at first bc he didnt know who i was asbout to put him on the phone with. but she was her normal funny self and pickin on him. and she asked "do you really like my niece?" and he goes "i love her..." and she repeats it. i had jus told her before i called him that i loved him when she asked me if i did. but hearing him tell her that he loved me....my aunt....he told my aunt that he loved me and would take good care of me. it jus made it.....that much more real that what it felt like before.

i told her that i was just kind of waiting for the relationship to fizzle out so that i wouldnt have to suffer through telling my other best friend that i fell in love with the man that she fell in love with within the first like week of meeting him. it didnt matter how much we argued bc the relationship more than likely wouldnt result in marriage or kids.

then she asked me what would i do if we decided to get married? what would happen if it didnt fizzle out?? what if it really lasts?? what if? what if?? .......................................................................idk...

just taking it one day at a time.

but it seems like the days are turning into months. will they turn into years?? i mean.....he means a lot to me. i havent been half-stepping him. i havent been seeing guys here in my state. and....i love him more than what i could tell him. but im just waiting......for it to fizzle. i guess im so used to my relationships ending within the first 5 months, if it even makes it that far, which it usually doesnt. and there was no way in hell they would be talking to a family member, none the less telling them that they loved me.

just a new memory to etch in my brain before either the break-up, or....our wedding day.

looked at his pic and changed my mind

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:12:04 GMT

it was like magic lust or something. ive been so angry and upset with him this entire weekend for what we've been arguing about since friday. and something told me to check his myspace. aside from a few things that i didnt like/appreciate, there was something that caught my eye especially. he put up 3 new pics. but the only one that mattered was a pic he took with him pulling his shirt up, exposing the fresh new tatoo on his six pack. and like magic [[magic lust]] i was like "wow. that belongs to me. how sexy is he?? very."

but instantly became overcome with grief over the fact that we'd not been happy with each other all weekend. and still not to this very moment. i will be glad when things blow over and he becomes my lovable boyfriend again instead of this sexy lil troll who bares the title of my boyfriend.

we have talked tonight. and he didnt yell, scream, curse, dismiss me or anything. and i was beyond surprised. i did turn on the water works tho. but it blew up in my face a lil. he felt like i was always twisting things around when i jus happened to be at fault. and i would look for things to nit pick at him just so the shoe could be on the other foot. and now that i think about it, i did do that a few times to turn the tables. but it always turned right back on me. i guess i cant get out of this one the way that i usually do.

i hate to hear him upset with me. it broke my heart to listen to how much it hurt him to see that conversation btwn my ex and i. but im almost like, dang, ive been scolded, i apologized, and he's still holding this over my head. i dont expect to snap my fingers and he's gon be all happy, but dang, i feel like the worst gf in the world right now.

i dont get in trouble often, but dang, when i do, i really get it. hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.