so after my LDR break up, i started really dating a guy ive known for about 4 years.  we tried dating in the beginning but he produces music, and was always always busy and gone away on business trips...and i was still in college and trying to graduate. but, with perfect timing, he basically swept me off my feet after feeling crazy after the break up.

for the past 5 months, he's put me on a pedestal. giving me everything and anything i wanted....wanting to be more than what we've ever been before. letting me into his heart and his head with everything that he goes through in life....and ive enjoyed being a listening ear, and slowly...expanding my heart to make a place for him. ive always cared for him, but its just been taken to another place this time.

ive always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. but for some reason with him....i havent....i cant.  i wont tell him how much i care about him like he tells me everyday. i wont tell him that i wouldnt be able to function if something happened to him like he's told me before. i always want to...just never know how to bring the words to life. and make them paint the beautiful picture that i want it to. i feel like it would never come out right, or compare to the beautiful words that he speaks to me everyday.

he makes me feel....like the most beautiful girl in the world.  he'll tell me i look pretty even after a long grueling day at work and i feel like crap. he'll look me intently in my eyes and tell me how great i am. i feel so much like myself when im with him. i laugh the hardest when im with him. seeing him is like the highlight of my day. i just have a horrible time telling him how i really feel. and opening up myself to him. i kno that once i do, it'll be game over.

i used to joke with him that we would get married next year. that i would snag him and hold onto him forever. after a couple of times of joking like that, i think he may have taken me seriously. im only 21. i can see myself marrying him...but it def wouldnt be next year.

and im scared to not be single anymore. like im going to miss something. miss hanging out with my single friends. miss going on dates and meeting new people and getting to know them. and not having to tell someone where im going or who im going out with or how long im going to be out and when will i be back. im an independent type of woman. i cant stand for someone to keep tabs on me.thats why i havent signed up for twitter or update my status on facebook or  myspace.

but last week, we had a crazy falling out/conversation. he text me and told me he had an "issue".  when i asked him what his "issue" was he texts me back saying "we're not making love...we've only had 1 first kiss...." .....and didnt text anything else. we've never slept together in four years. he usually kisses me on my cheek or forehead when we're together. and i LIKE it that way. it means so much more to me when i kno that a man does not have to experience what ive got in between my legs in order to have deep and true feelings for me.

so i flip out. im PISSED. i'd never heard him talk like that. so cuss him out until he tells me that he hadnt finished what his "issue" was, but just wanted to see what i would say after that text message.  THAT kind of pissed me off too bc he shouldnt feel the need to do that to me. that wasnt cute, and i didnt like it.

i let him continue what his issue was.  he begins again. "we're not making love....we've only had 1 first kiss....we're not doing any of that, and yet...i feel myself falling in love with you...."...............................and all i could say to him was "im sorry for jumping down your throat."................to say the least, he wasnt too happy...and that was the decline to his already sucky day.

i wanted to tell him that i felt the same way. no. ive always felt that deeply for him. i dont know what i did in my previous life to even deserve a man like him. no words could express how crazy i felt after reading that text. but he kind of flipped out on me like he told me that he WAS in love with me with no doubt about it. and i felt crazy for not telling him everything. but telling him that i loved him through a text message was not how i imagined telling him for the first time.

we talked later on that night on the phone and he was still salty about my reaction.  he called me "the nigga" or the dude in this situation. he said i reacted with no feeling. like i was empty. that hurt. ive never been called the dude in the relationship. ive always been the one crying and begging for a man to stay with me. to love me. to need me. it hurt so much that i started crying on the phone. and i still couldnt get everything out.  i tried. it just felt weird to be on the other side of the rope. he felt guilty for making me cry, but i dont think it really changed much about how he felt about it.  we talked very little about it after that.

then two nights ago..he asks me to listen to a song by drake called brand new. its a really really nice song. he told me that the song really says everything that he's feeling.  and even tho the song is really pretty...drake is talking about how he has to hide everything he feels, and how he puts his girl on a pedestal, and questions her if anything he's doing brand new to her. like she's used to whatever he throws at her. and he cant get through to her true feelings about him. i think ive listened to this song a million times in the past week.

im scared to open up to him.  i never thought it would happen to me. ive heard stories about ppl putting up walls and not letting the person that loves them the most into their heart. ive always been so open....about everything...my feelings....love.......i dont understand why its different with him. i would be truly hurt to lose him. but im scared to really let him in, and stop making everything a joke and being a goofball and letting his feelings for me roll off my shoulders.

i duno what to do.

we broke up.

and now that im no longer screaming like im crazy, i can talk about it.  it totally went plummeting face first down a hill after i told her [[partially]] everything. im two sided about it. i want to believe that he's the greatest thing to ever happen to me and he only diffused our relationship because he saw what it did to our friendship and it totally killed him to let me go because he loves(-ed??) me sooo much. then again, that may not have been his intentions when he all of a sudden stopped the phone calls everyday like normal or doing anything like normal. and he was really seeing someone else and just waiting for a way out.

either way. we go days without talking. we did not formally break up. we never had that conversation. but i am not stupid. i was emailing him. calling. texting. crying. screaming. cursing...........................................going through it as if he called me the worst girlfriend on the planet and ended things by cheating on me.

it gets easier each day that goes by. it KILLED me slowly in the beginning and i was totally going thru it. couldnt sleep at night....couldnt stop thinking of him...feeling crazy. he wouldnt answer any of my questions. he was acting pretty nonchalant. the best way to hurt me.

its been about a month and a half. maybe two months. im not sure.  but next week will be the second month-aversary that we will not celebrate as being boyfriend/girlfriend.

i try to keep my mind away from him. work, studying, the gym....anything. and im starting to date again, and talk to old guy friends again...and actually physically being around the guy im dating reminds me of how much i was missing by him being so far away.

i dont think i will ever do another long distance relationship like that ever again.

so apparently me and my friend weren't as cool as i thought.  i called our other best friend to tell her about him and i and i guess she couldnt wait to call her to see how she was taking it.   and apparently she didnt figure out exactly how she felt about it until they got on the phone. 

everything came out.

she thinks i stole him from her. she thinks i seduced him. she thinks that i have no morals. she thinks that im a bad person. she doesnt trust me anymore.  im messed up for what i did............................the list goes on and on and on.

but i kind of.............dont care  >.<  i jus feel like.....ive made a mistake. but the damage is done, the only thing i can do is take it day by day and take things as they come. ive made my bed hard, and im gona lie in it. ive cried my tears last night, and i don plan on crying anymore. whats the point?? its not going to turn back time and let me do things over again.  i couldve continued to keep this from them and let it fester. and just took it to my grave. but i let her in.  i knew things wouldnt be peachy but damn.

she has a boyfriend. theyve been together for a year now. it  doesnt make light of the situation but i feel like she contradicted herself with everything she said to my best friend last night. after she told me all this about im too good of a friend to lose over some dude she cant stand anyways. where did that statement go??  my best friend called and told me everything she said.  i mean it hurt, but i know that i hurt her and that she was upset.

but i just feel like its whatever.  if she doesnt want to be friends over that, i will be upset, but i will get over it. if he and i broke up tomorrow, yes i would be upset for a while, but trust me, i would get over it.  i am a grown woman. i may have done something childish, but i believe in the fact that you can not choose who you develop feelings for or fallin love with. you cant predict who God will bring into your life and what for. you just have to take things day by day and deal with the cards as they are dealt.

and that is what i plan on doing.